Getting into college is just like winning the cold war. You’re excited, everyone congratulates you and you feel like you’ve done something really great. You feel good about yourself.

The only problem is that afterwards you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s not the free time that poses an issue, though for some that create serious trouble. Rather–and especially so with high-achieving students–it’s the sudden absence of that unseen motivation, that invisible and suppressed whispering that tainted every action: college admissions pressures. Unlike the military-industrial complex, this long-time stressor doesn’t have lobbyists to keep it alive after its purpose is fulfilled.

And so when that stress evaporates, there is a ‘vacuum’ of motivation in its place. This can manifest itself as a senior slump, or it can be more profound–if admission to one’s dream college is the ‘goal’ for a high-achieving high school student, what is there afterwards? Personally I can’t get myself all worked up about a future career in investment banking, so I’m not sure what I might be working ‘towards.’ Happiness is a good answer, but something a little more tangible than happiness / scholarly enrichment would be great. College admissions served that role for a long time for a great many people and I think it will be some time before the internal adjustment can be made out of that ‘mode’ and longer still until a good healthy motivation can completely take over.

Now, personally, I never did anything for ‘college suck.’ I didn’t join extracurriculars ‘just because,’ I didn’t sign up for courses I didn’t want to take. I focused on learning and hoped the rest would work out. Happily, it did. I took the most difficult courses I could because I wanted to learn more, and schools appreciated that.

What then is the difference to me?

Grades come out sometime later today (the 28th) and I’m confident that I’ll do pretty well. I never had to worry about doing too poorly, I’ve just always had high standards. These high standards were sometimes impossibly unrealistic so I would set myself up for disappointment. Regardless, any time I did well I would always have to ask myself if I had done ‘well enough.’ Even when my grades were ‘good enough’ for me, I had to wonder if they would they be ‘good enough’ for my future college of choice. This stress tainted a lot of my time, and I know it stole the fun away from classes for many of my peers. It was very distressing if ever I was given the choice between working for a grade and working for self-improvement, since ideals aside these were not always the same efforts.

In any event, that stress is gone now, and any work I do is purely for my own enrichment. I have only one term left of school, then a term of internship, then graduation. This kind of freedom, this unburdening, is wonderful.